A little heartsease and a reason to believe in magic.

Nick's memorial was Saturday, and I was feeling sad most of the day, though Lee and I played on the computer and did some necessary consumer therapy to try and alleviate the worst of the blues. Sunday morning while I was posting my last blog entry, I began to work on the playlist I want to have in the delivery room. I opened my I-Tunes and began to add songs to the list.

I especially wanted a few that Nick and I had listened to, I wanted him there in spirit while Otter was being born. About a year ago, Nick had given me a copy of Poe's CD, Haunted. Monkey and I both loved it, and have listened to it more often than anything else ever since. We have played the CD several times a week. It is always in my car and more than likely the CD we are playing. I could have sworn to you that I knew every single song, forwards and backwards, which is what gave me pause when I opened the song list and saw a song title I didn't recognize.

Hmmm? If You Were Here.

I put on head phones and began to listen to it.

Child's whisper: I miss you

If you were here,
I know that you would truly be amazed at what's become of what you made,
If you were here,
you would know how I treasured every day,
how every single word you spoke echoes in me like a memory of hope.
When you were here,
you could not feel the value that I placed,
on every look that crossed your face,
When you were here,
I did not know just how I had embraced
all that you hid behind your face
could not hide from me cause it hid in me too.
Now that I'm here I hear you,
and wonder if maybe you can hear yourself ringing in me,
Now that you're somewhere else.
Cause I hear your strange music gentle and true,
singing inside me with the best parts of you.
Now that I'm here,
I hope somewhere you hear them too.
Now that I'm here.
I love you.

Child's whisper: It's okay, you can go now.

My breath caught, here, on the CD Nick had given me, was this amazing song expressing so much of what I was feeling about his death, so much of what I have been wishing I could tell him. I turned to Lee and told him he had to listen to it. I played it for him and we both just sat there. Amazed.

It really is just like Nick. If he had known what was going to happen, he absolutely would have created a CD for us to mourn him with, some music we could find solace and comfort in. I feel as though he sent me a message, and I feel blessed to have been able to recieve it. I plan on hearing his voice speaking within me for the rest of my life.