Attack of the killer curls

I spent hundreds of hours and thousands of dollars as a young woman trying to curl my hair. Perms, curlers, curling irons, all methods were employed to turn my traditionally straight tresses into luxurious locks.

Now, in the humidity that is New Jersey, I can't stop my hair from curling, AND I WANT TO! All of the sudden I am Shirley Temple with little curly ringlets framing my tired, pale, nearly 32 year old face! Perky Pollyanna curls nonetheless. I don't want bouncy curls at my age! Sleek and shiny is totally in for moms and young professionals, you know, sleek and shiny, the hair I naturally have when I live in a desert climate with no moisture in the air! The hair I tortured into curly contortions as a child! The hair that has deserted me now and left me with sausage curls. Sausage curls for heaven's sake!